Martha, Rob and Edward have been posting and hand delivering ‘Happy Post’ to scores of people during lockdown. It is part of their fundraising effort for Calvert Trust Exmoor, where they all spent an amazing holiday last year and hope to again this summer, if circumstances allow. It is a wonderful facility, providing experiences for individuals with a range of disabilities and their families. I thought they and Rebecca’s family too, deserved some happy post in return and wanted to time it for when the husbands went back to full-time work out of the home. In the first instance, it was a total fail on the finding anything suitable to send front. In the end, I managed to get a game for each family that I thought they would enjoy. Rather than send them direct, I thought I would order them to be delivered to me, then I could add other things before sending the parcels on.

I did wonder why the items arrived not in a box but liberally wrapped in bubble wrap (useful for future book orders). The answer dear reader is because the games are packed in triangular boxes. Very aesthetically pleasing but totally impractical. I foresee the recipients not being best pleased with me when they try to find a home for said boxes. I had a complete lack of larger boxes in which to pack said triangular boxes. With permission, I sent the fisherman of my acquaintance, to raid the community shop’s recycling bin. This is about as exciting as it gets for him going out wise. The shop is next door but one. I am still not going out at all – well apart from a quick drive to charge the car battery and not then getting out the car. My co-lockdownee was however going stir crazy, so he is now going out for ‘exercise’ but not, I hasten to add, to Barnards Castle, or to any country estate anywhere. I digress, Parcels.

Well, we managed to find one box that I could pack a ridiculous triangular box in (with a bit of gentle persuasion). I congratulated myself that it was even just small enough to be sent for £2.95 instead of £5.05. Win! Now, this parcel also had to contain my son-in-law’s pants. Why? you may well ask. Firstly, I wish to make it clear that these are new pants, thankfully. By dint of clicking the wrong address button, Martha had ordered them to come to me instead of her, so now they needed to be sent to their rightful owner. Well, who knew how weighty pants were? With the added 1kg of pants, the parcel was now too heavy to go for £2.95.

I wrapped the parcel with lashings of tape and string. I am a bit of a dab hand at tying parcels. Once a girl guide……… AFTER the parcel was secured more tightly than UK Civil Service Twitter accounts, I get an email from Martha ‘could you just post me…….’ Maybe next time.

There was still the second triangle to tackle. Nothing we could find constituted a suitable container. We tried and failed, to construct a box out of other boxes. In the end I gave up completely and went for the solution adopted by the original seller. Copious amounts of bubble wrap. Then I needed some kind of strongish bag. Ah T****s shopping is currently being delivered in strongish bags, excellent. I put the cursed triangular box inside a T****s bag and then realised that it was the one the loose onions had come in, so it was already occupied by plenty of onion skin. By now this whole venture was seeming like a BAD IDEA. The T****s bag, now relieved of most of the onion skin, was not quite large enough. Cue black bin bag. Now I am a cheap skate, not for me the ultra-strong, suitable for posting things in, black bin bags. Oh no. Mine are really thin and flimsy with a stupid pleat at the bottom, tear as soon as they are looked at black sacks.  Reinforcement is required. Parcel tape doesn’t quite cut it. I am also having issues with removing excess air from the parcel; it is a little akin to deflating a lilo. Ah ha! The ubiquitous gaffer tape is to hand. The parcel is now wrapped tighter than a mummy. I suspect they will have a bit of a job trying to open it. I hope the corners survive the journey.

The story is not yet over. So far, we have only posted parcels that fit in the postbox over the road. Sending these on their way will entail running the gauntlet of the mobile post van. I’d better look out the Hazmat suit before casting the fisherman of my acquaintance into the abyss. Oh, and we have no masks, now where did I put that gaffer tape?