Now I am have returned from the Internet Black Hole, I can continue to regale you with my holiday adventures.

After a bad night, even by my standards, we get up at 6am and leave for the airport early. Yes, true to form, that would be ridiculously early. I had tried, unsuccessfully, to check in online and I am just slightly panicking that our seats will be re-allocated elsewhere. All seems well however and we settle down for the three hour wait before boarding. By coincidence, our American distant relative, who we showed round her ancestral home on Monday, is on the same flight. Not only that but she is across the aisle from us. I spend the flight with a combination of Suduko and Bejewelled, reaching a never to be matched level 12 at my first attempt.

There is a two hour gap between the arrival of our flight in Washington and the scheduled time of our take off for Seattle. An hour of this is taken up in the queue for our passports to be checked. We rush along, concerned to make our ongoing connection, hindered by the random need to reclaim our baggage and check it on again. I so need not have worried. Our flight is delayed due to the lack of a pilot, a bit of a necessity I guess. It is delayed again. An additional problem is that the flight is full, which apparently means that there is insufficient room for everyone’s hand luggage in the lockers. Exhortations go out for selfless persons who might be willing to check in their carry-on luggage. I am unable to oblige. Not only is my bag insufficiently robust for baggage handling but it contains contraband such as batteries that are not allowed in the hold. The chap in the seat next to me is asleep. His body is gradually falling in my direction. Before long, he is leaning heavily on my shoulder. I begin to similarly lean under the pressure. We are in danger of becoming some kind of domino rally. I begin to gently push back. I look to my travelling companion for inspiration; none is forthcoming. Just as my neighbour’s head is about to descend to the level of my lap, he wakes and walks off as if nothing has happened.

Two hours late and eighteen hours after we got up this morning, we get on the plane. Twenty minutes later we are told we can get off again if we wish as there is more delay. We choose not to, as the plane seats are marginally more comfortable than those in the terminal. Inevitably, when the call goes out to reboard, some of our passengers have gone awol. We finally take off over four hours late. This is budget airlines at their depths. There is no entertainment, no pillows, the seats do not recline and there is no food. To pass the time, we are supposed to have downloaded an app to our personal device. As an alternative, we can join the queue for one of only two toilets. Even Chris, who can sleep on the proverbial washing line, is having difficulty dozing off, despite our lack of sleep. As recompense for the delay, we are given a can of Sprite and the tiniest bag of pretzels you’ve ever seen. I am not a fan of pretzels but they are at least food. Chris is even less of a fan, so I get half his pack (about three pretzels) as well. I know I need to go on a diet but I was planning to wait until after the holiday. Our resolution that this will be our last flight outside Europe is strengthened.

I am not sure if I should be writing this as today or tomorrow, as it was definitely tomorrow before we arrived at America’s Best Airport Inn. All I can say is, I don’t want to see the worst. I later discover that its full title is America’s Best Value Airport Inn – well it was cheap. There is however a bed, which is our prime concern. Food and drink are clearly a luxury that we will have to forgo. The walls and ceiling of our room make good quality paper seem thick. The person in the room above creakingly paces the floor at regular intervals all through what is left of the night. The tap in the bathroom won’t turn off, so water torture is added to the measures designed to sleep deprive us still further. It will have to be an exceptional cruise to make all this worthwhile.